In Shallow Waters

I think I'm slowly falling into depression, but I hesitate to call it that if I'm just having a few rough nights. Feels like a slap in the face to those truly suffering. But how do I explain these sleepless nights, terrible mood swings, and constant overthinking? Feeling like I'm failing in life, the urge to quit my job even though I can't afford to go without one.

In movies, it's easy. You see someone give a big "FU" to their job and walk away without looking back. I never really thought about the toll my job was taking on me—sitting all day, staring at a computer screen with not enough to keep my brain active. But hey, the things we do for survival. I get so angry at myself, blaming myself for not working harder when I was younger, for not securing that so-called bag. Now I'm stuck at a job I dislike, still not over the rejection from the last time I applied for something better. Scared to apply again because I don't think I can bear more rejection.

It's easier to sit in shallow water, waiting to be reduced, instead of diving deeper into the ocean where there's a huge risk but also a huge chance to be spotted. I feel like I'm going to snap, have a huge breakdown soon. I don't know if it'll happen or how I'll handle it if it does, but I'm not myself, and I'm worried.

Ain't looking for arguments, but people try to impose their beliefs, their ways, their ideologies on me, and I gotta rebuttal with what's here and now. I'm living by my own codes and the standards of the Bible, but this job's got me questioning everything. How do I balance survival with living a life true to myself? It's a fierce struggle, but I'm pondering it every day.