When Support Feels Like Neglect

 

When people see you as strong, especially as a Black woman, their treatment can sometimes tip into neglect. The way they use the label of "strength" often misses the mark of true respect. Phrases like, "Oh, you always find your way," or "I know you'll be okay," might sound nice, but when you're at your lowest, these words feel cold as ice. I remember crying to someone I thought was dear, only to hear, "You’re someone I don’t worry about, it’s clear," as if my struggles were something they couldn’t hear. This reflects a troubling trend: it’s easier for folks to distance themselves from those they depend on, using their strength as a shield to carry on.

As The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reminds us, "Don't Panic." This line captures how our strength can sometimes lead to others ignoring our needs, assuming we can handle everything on our own. We often let ourselves off the hook from deeper emotional care, using someone’s strength as a reason to not be there. It’s like having a safety net we don’t appreciate or cherish.

Think about your circle. Who would you feel least guilty about letting down? I’ve faced many letdowns, with friends canceling plans and leaving me to handle the mess, all because they didn’t want to upset someone else. I wonder what kind of scene I'd need to create for folks to understand how much their actions resonate. Maybe my words are too bland, but do we grasp what these "strong" friends endure when we give them support but fail to sustain? I’m not talking about occasional lapses, but repeated neglect for someone we know would never slack.

One of the most vexing aspects of being the strong friend is when we finally voice our hurt. People seem more shocked that we’re upset than concerned about our plight. This isn’t just for the "strong" friend—anyone who hides their emotions, be it the quiet one, the lively soul, or the jokester in motion, can be used for emotional gain without much thought. We need to be mindful of how we draw emotional benefits from others and strive to give back in ways that truly matter, not just in ways that flatter.

For the strong friends, it’s crucial to let your guard down and be more open. Allow those who care to support you and show affection. Sharing your true feelings and needs can build stronger connections and ensure that the support you offer is returned in kind.